I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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