If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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