Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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