i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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