If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
