Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
