So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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