Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
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Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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