Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
