like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
