i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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