I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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