Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
