Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
