somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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