i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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