Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
