whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
