She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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