you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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