i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
