pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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