i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Randomize
