I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
