A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
