oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
