Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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