my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
