So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
