i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
