The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
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