If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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