Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
