Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
