six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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