So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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