Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
