I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
