Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
