Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
