my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
