All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
