C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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