I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
