Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
