I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
