Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
