i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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