i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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