Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
