I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
