I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i will never coherently bang her
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
