I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
not ubering you a puppy
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
