he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
