i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
