I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
