Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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